RSVP Montgomery

Don't Boil the Rabbit

SEPTEMBER/OCTOBER 2012

Mark Anderson
Single People, it’s time for you to access your un-crazy side. What is it about the modern dating scene that transforms so may seemingly normal people into needy sad sacks or raving lunatics? Appearances to the contrary, there just can’t be that much undiagnosed bipolar disorder out there. Blame it on the media, aliens or even gluten if you want, but it is time for this to stop.
Modern communication only facilitates this rampant nuttiness, and the worst culprits are those who engage in Facebook histrionics. These are usually the same morons who began their relationships by lovingly posting back and forth on each other’s wall to the point of nausea. Sure you got dumped; sure you feel bad; that’s natural. How you think blathering about it on Facebook while simultaneously posting every video Adele ever recorded will improve the situation is where the logic fails. If you want to make yourself look like an idiot, mission accomplished. Otherwise, I am pretty sure that not once in the entire history of social media has this ever accomplished anything else.

The mad texting others engage in is equally absurd. What can these fools be thinking? There is nothing wrong with a simple follow up text, even right after a date. But anything much more than this, especially without reply, reeks of desperation. I have a friend who, after going on one date with a guy, has now received more than 30 messages without her replying to a single one (Granted, I probably didn’t help matters by stealing her phone after about text number 20 and replying: "What are you wearing? I’m naked."). You would think the first dozen or so non-replies should have tipped him off. It doesn’t matter how great the date went (or more likely how great you thought it went) when someone doesn’t reply this means they have had the time to reflect and take a pass. I am absolutely certain text number 11 will not be the one to change their mind. These text explosions to me are the equally pathetic equivalent of John Cusack holding up that boom box in that poor girl’s front yard, albeit, with less chance of getting oneself arrested . Life isn’t a cheesy 80s movie; if they don’t reply, it is time to move on.

Speaking of which, while single, let’s just avoid grand, over the top romantic gestures altogether. Whether it’s telling someone they are your soul mate on the second date or showing up at 2 a.m. on your ex’s doorstep with flowers picked out of their neighbor’s yard. These gestures are rarely as grand as you think they are. Leave them to reality television and Mexican soap operas, where they belong. Any behavior that is more likely to lead to a restraining order than romantic success should be avoided.
Accordingly, I have concocted a few simple rules or, let’s call them guidelines, since I have been known to break a few of these myself:

1. The Three Shot Rule (a.k.a. Dating’s Golden Rule)
Under no circumstances will you contact someone who has not responded to you after three attempts; calls, texts, whatever (counter resets if they reply). Three strikes, you’re out, move on. A non-reply is an answer in itself. Engrave this one upon your heart people; a much happier less obsessed life is right around the corner.

2. Closure is overrated.
Relationships fizzle. People stop calling. Quite often you never know why. Deal with it and move on. If you are the kind of person who can’t be happy until you know why they broke up with you, I know why. Here’s a helpful exercise: Close your eyes. Picture their face. Imagine them saying "it’s not me, it’s you."

3. Don’t drink and text, tweet, Facebook, etc.
This one is self-explanatory. We have all done this, and we know why we shouldn’t. This is also why "you have been tagged in a photo" has become the most feared phrase in the English language. Yes...those of you who know me are wondering how I avoided the lightning strike that should have struck me after writing those lines. Just because I am absolutely terrible at following this one doesn’t mean it isn’t true. Case in point, the day after the iPhone IOS 5 upgrade came out, I lazily sent out a late night "what’s up" text to two girls simultaneously, thus creating my first and all-time least favorite group text conversation. Lesson learned; thank you karma.

4. Be yourself, and don’t take yourself too seriously.
Being single and dating can be a lot of fun, but at times it can absolutely suck. This is why romantic comedies skip the part where the heroine dates the 40 losers before she finds her Mr. Right. You have to put yourself out there and look at each failure as one more step closer to success. Live your life, do what you enjoy, socialize and have fun. If you want to meet someone with whom you enjoy shared interests, you are much more likely to meet them if you actually pursue those interests instead of sitting around feeling sorry for yourself. If someone is looking for a sad, needy puppy, they will go to the pound and get one.

5. Don’t Settle
Yeah, easier said than done. Just remember, if he looks like a certain feminine hygiene product, he acts like a certain feminine hygiene product, and he sounds like a certain feminine hygiene product, he is probably a feminine hygiene product. Tell yourself otherwise, and you will be the one posting Adele songs on Facebook.
So, take my advice, and access that un-crazy side. Keep calm, have fun and be patient. I WILL NOT BE IGNORED!

Go Back >