How to Talk to Girls at Parties
My assignment for this article was to provide a man’s perspective on the world of internet dating. So guys, here’s my perspective: Don’t. One out of five relationships may start online, but keep in mind 73.2% of all statistics are entirely made up. I know, I know, everyone has a friend of a friend who met the love of their life on farmersonly.com or whatever, but for every one of those stories there are ten saps that have wasted $29.95 and were too embarrassed to tell you about it. Some have scolded me for not giving it enough of a try, but after three weeks in it was clear that Dr. Neil Clark Warren did not think very highly of me. Although, it probably didn’t help that I chose to live tweet the whole process.
Match #1: Pretty sure she hasn’t had a date since the Clinton administration #eHarmony
Match #4: Just a suggestion, but “Cheeto” should probably stop being your go to selection when entering the spray tanning booth. #eHarmony
My biggest problem with online dating is that it brings out the worst in us. As men, we are fundamentally lazy. If we have a safe yet borderline creepy dating venue that never takes us out of our comfort zone, many of us will jump right in. But I am here to inform you that human beings are entirely capable of in person social interaction without 14 degrees of personality assimilation, background checks, secure phone calls, and “guided communication” or other such nonsense created by the dating industry. I really think they just make this stuff up to sell you a recurring monthly membership on the sad superhighway. Plus the odds of meeting a Nigerian princess looking for your bank account number while at a friend’s house party are pretty damn low.
Match #7: Bears a striking resemblance to the 300 lb Naval Academy midshipman that put an end to my rugby playing days. #eHarmony
Match #11: Quite literally looks like a supermodel. Translation, I am about to get my identity stolen. #eHarmony
Match #14: Made 6 references to “50 Shades of Grey” in the first email; not sure how I feel about that. #eHarmony
Match #15: Please tell me that is not the best photo you could find of yourself. And what’s with the jazz hands? #eHarmony
So here is my take on internet dating interspersed with a few real time gems from the Twitter feed. So gentlemen, it’s time to man up, put down the computer, get off the couch and relearn how to talk to girls at parties.
Match #17: #eHarmony rule of thumb: more than one girl in the picture then she’s not the hot one…..
Anyone who reads my articles should be aware I am a rule maker. Abide by these rules, they work. Believe me I know; I suffer the consequences of breaking my own rules all the time.
Match #20: Would be a lot cuter is she wasn’t sitting barefoot on a tractor in Corinth, Mississippi. #eHarmony
Match #22: You had me at bikini profile picture. #eHarmony
The first is to never turn down a reasonable invitation. I don’t care what it is: dinner with a group of friends, an acquaintance’s house party or just a night out with the boys. You can always find an excuse to be lazy and anti-social. Be willing to try something new and get outside your normal set. This doesn’t mean you have to go on a co-ed all-night coon hunt in Etowah county the night before you have a presentation at work, but it does mean you can’t sit at home on Friday night trolling internet dating profiles. You’re not going to meet anyone if you are not out there.
Match #24: More pictures of your cats than of yourself……..and that’s a good thing. #eHarmony
Match #25: Upside, very hot. Downside, very hot in a stripper working her way through cosmetology school kind of way. #eHarmony
Now that you’ve made the monumental decision to put down your computer, it’s time to be proactive. Sure, I love a good night out on the town as much as the next guy (probably more than most), but be creative. I didn’t intend for you to change from couch potato to barfly. Come up with a reason to get your friends together a couple times a month. Host a dinner party, go kayaking, whatever, and ALWAYS encourage everyone to bring someone new. Just watch, it will be a thing before you know it. Other people will have ideas, and friends, etc. For that matter, there’s a whole list of events in the back of this magazine; just pick a couple and GO! All of a sudden you will be out there meeting new people and the idea of pensively waiting for some random stranger to return your “wink” will no longer seem as appealing.
Match #27: Straight to sexting; bold move. #eHarmony
Match #29: She has her hair in pigtails and brandishing a tire iron in semi-threatening manner #confused #abitfrightened #eharmony
I’m proud of you. You have taken the first step and are actually out on the town. Rule two, don’t be a wimp. Women don’t bite, well, at least not at first. If you see someone you think you may be interested in GO TALK TO HER and do it IMMEDIATELY before you can talk yourself out of it. Nicholas Boothman calls this the three second rule. Just say “one, two, three” and go. This can be quite nerve racking at first, but you are creating a new habit. Just do it; with practice it will become second nature. I know how hard this one can be; I am a procrastinator myself. But getting shot down in a flaming ball of fire feels a lot better than wondering “what if.” Let me give you a few tips here. Open with a little self-deprecating humor. There are few things in this world that ladies enjoy more than making fun of men. Also, make sure to have plenty of girl – friends. They universally make the best wingmen and can be relied upon to promptly let you know when you are making an idiot of yourself (mine certainly do.) So go for it; you may be surprised how often you don’t get shot down. Worst case, it gives you lots of material to write silly dating life articles.
Match # 29: So what do you want to know about me? Me: Your social security number. (Apparently she didn’t think that was funny) #eHarmony
Match # 30: 95% sure this is Manti Te’o’s ex-girlfriend. #eHarmony
Finally, and this is a big one, don’t be a psycho. I have literally written a whole article on this topic. This is where keeping a good attitude comes into play. Unless you are an Arabian shiek, you are probably looking for just one girl. There are lots of them out there so don’t get hung up on certain one. If she’s not into you, it’s somewhat unlikely that stalking her will change her opinion. Just look at it as taking one more step towards the right one for you; shake off the dust and move on. So, if she is not responding to your “charm”, walk away. If you get her number and she doesn’t reply after three tries: stop. If she has a seven foot tall boyfriend, run.
Based on recent review of your account information and activity, eHarmony has made the decision to close your account. #thankyou
I know I have been a little harsh, but these sites claim to “take the mystery out of dating”. Well where’s the fun in that? With the proper attitude, a little energy and ingenuity, maybe you too can relearn the lost art of talking to girls at parties.