RSVP Montgomery

The Cell Phone Curse

JANUARY/FEBURARY 2012

Mark Anderson
I have been dating a delightful young woman for several weeks now, and to this date, her number currently resides on a slip of paper in my wallet…where it shall remain. There is a simple reason for this – my cell phone is cursed.

The only females to remain in my cell phone beyond the contract renewal date are my mother and a couple female cousins. The entry of a girl’s number into my phone leads to her almost immediate departure from my life. You may consider this simple superstition, paranoia or the early signs of mental degeneration, but the track record speaks for itself.

Laila: Cell Phone Survival Time: 38 hours 36 minutes delete (one month hiatus) 41 hours 10 minutes delete, again.

Ok, this one is completely my fault. Note to self: don’t put a girl’s number in your speed dial when you get it after a somewhat boozy kiss in the parking lot of your favorite watering hole. And by all means, don’t do it twice with the same girl! The first delete was easy; she failed the three shot rule (two calls, one text without reply), but then I run into her again and the same thing happens. Same bar, same parking lot, but of course, being the one man brain trust I am, I think to myself, “Well maybe this time it’s for real.” Shocker… it wasn’t. Three and out again. A man’s capacity to make an idiot of himself is at times boundless. Final note: very few great love stories begin with, “Remember the first time you kissed me in that parking lot?”

Kiki: Cell Phone Survival Time: 3 days 2 hours 14 minutes and the length of what I recall as one of the longest, most awkward dinners ever known to mankind.

Although few will admit it, online dating is at the top of the list for single people when they get fed up with the traditional dating process. If you were to Google “online dating quotes,” you should get about a thousand results for “it seemed like a good idea at the time.” Confession time, I tried it and it was not a good idea. Note to self: in today’s electronic age, it is far too easy to create a persona that is an altered version of reality. Example: I had several telephone conversations with one of my matches and she invites me over to her house for dinner. I, of course, think wow, that is really nice of her, not realizing that this is also what people on parole and serving a one year drivers license suspension do for dates. So she sends me her address, I GPS it, and I head out to meet her. As I pull into her neighborhood littered with derelict cars being used as lawn ornaments, I begin to get an inkling that this may not go as well as I hoped. Unfortunately,before I can successfully execute a U-turn, there she is,in all her glory, sitting on an old couch serving as makeshift patio furniture. At this point I learn a fundamental rule of online dating: ignore the caption, if her profile picture contains more than one person, she is always the homeliest one in the photo. Non-coincidentally, this incident also led to me deleting my online dating account.

Annie: Cell Phone Survival Time: approximately however long it takes to climb out a window and flee the scene.

The best part of playing softball is having a few beers with the team after (and sometimes before) our games. Although I rarely need an excuse to drink beer, this is one of the main reasons I play. So I am there and meet a girl looking super cute in her softball uniform. We hit it off, and (even though at this point you are probably thinking I should know better) I promptly enter her number in my phone. It is only after this that she tells me, “You know I have a boyfriend.” Immediately following my momentary contemplation as to why she believes me to have ESP, she follows up with, “Uh oh, here he is. You better go,” indicating the fellow squeezing himself through the front door of the sports bar. Up until this point in my life, I had been entirely unaware that my local community softball league had a mountain gorilla division. Needless to say, I am now entirely in agreement with her opinion that I should be amongst the departed. Thank goodness the restrooms had large windows.

Zena: iPhone Survival Time: 1 minute

Caveat, I am terrible at telling a girl’s age, so this one was not entirely my fault. I’m out on the town and meet this simply stunning and really cool girl, who is out with one of my good female friends; we have mutual friends and hit if off very well. I, of course, get her number and rashly enter it into my phone. The back story here is that earlier that night I said hello to one of my older brother’s good friends who is about a decade or so my senior. So, of bloody course, he walks up 56 seconds after I put down the phone and she greets him with a big smile and a “Hey daddy!”…delete.

Epilogue: I started this column three weeks ago. The “delightful young woman” is now starting to give me those “he might just be fixable” looks accompanied by roughly 10 calls a day just to “check in.” Sooo, let’s give this theory one more test drive. Where’s my cell phone? Add to Contacts: Scarlett: 334-555-… 

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